Emotions
Click on each feeling/emotion on the list below to find out more…
Why?
Anger is a valid and healthy emotion when grieving, but the way in which it is expressed may not be positive. Bereaved pupils may have specific reasons to feel cross so it is important to ask what has made them feel angry today. Anger is a difficult emotion for others to deal with, particularly if it is triggered suddenly or violently.
- They may have angry outbursts or negative reactions to situations in school.
- A pupil may become angry, or even violent, with their friends, isolating them from their peers.
- Other pupils or members of staff may identify them as ‘naughty’ or ‘trouble’.
What can school do to help?
- Recognise anger as a symptom of grief, rather than poor behaviour.
- Help them to recognise when there are particular triggers for angry outbursts and offer them safe options as a ‘release’.
- Use analogies, such as an erupting volcano or a firework with a long or short fuse, to help a pupil to visualise the build-up and explosion of angry feelings.
- Agree on safe strategies to help a bereaved pupil take control of their anger, and offer them an outlet.
- Recognise that some of these may require adult supervision and may be more or less appropriate for the setting.
- Where possible offer the pupil an element of choice in their anger management strategies.
Some anger management strategies which have been helpful for bereaved pupils include:
- Physical exercise: Run two laps of the playground, 50 skips, two-minutes with a punch bag in a gym, kick a ball against a wall etc.
- Venting: Punch a cushion or soft item, pop bubble wrap, blow up and release a balloon, shout into the wind.
- Distraction: Pluck an elastic band or resistance band, use stress balls, fidget toys, gels and foams, computer games etc.
- Writing: Scribble, draw, chalk outside, paint or write a journal or diary.
- Wrecking: Use salt dough, modelling clay or putty to create and break, rip or screw up paper, build sandcastles and smash them, crush cans, burst a paper bag, stamp on cardboard boxes, knock down skittles etc.
- Calming: Listen to music, use tactile objects, walk outside, care for living things such as fish and pets, tend to plants, count or do some other repetitive action, breathing exercises.
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Why?
Sadness is a natural response to the death of someone you know.
What can school do to help?
Reassure a bereaved pupil that these sad feelings are part of the normal grieving process. It is important to allow a pupil time to grieve and feeling sad is part of this.
- Many young people do not want to get upset in front of others, so they will welcome a ‘time out’ option with a safe space to go to.
- Adults may want to ‘rescue’ a grieving pupil by talking to them or distracting them from their sadness, but it is important to allow them time to grieve and not dismiss their sad feelings.
- Encourage a bereaved pupil to identify activities or things which they enjoy doing. Examples might be spending time with friends, playing sport/music, watching their special team/TV programme, playing computer games, eating their favourite food. Help them to create a list of these ‘feel good’ things to refer to in times of need.
- Remind bereaved pupils that it is normal to feel sad at times as they grieve.
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Why?
- Bereavement brings about feelings of insecurity and uncertainty; pupils may worry about the future, including who will be there to look after them.
- They may fear that other close family members or friends might die.
- They may also worry about their own health.
- Some bereaved pupils may feel concerned if they find themselves having conversations in their heads with the person who died, whereas this is a very common response.
Young people often associate their feelings of grief with the upheaval of change and can therefore be anxious about changes in the future, such as moving classes, different teachers or transition to a new school.
What can school do to help?
A grieving young person needs the security of knowing there are adults in school for them.
- Help a pupil to identify the supportive network of people available for them. Construct a mind map, including members of their friendship groups, clubs or teams as well as their family, extended family, friends and school staff.
- Reassure a pupil that many grieving people, including adults, have ‘imagined conversations’ with a person who has died. Many bereaved people find these conversations are comforting and helpful.
- Rather than making assumptions, try to find out what is specifically worrying a bereaved pupil.
- Some pupils will find it easier to share their worries with supportive adults at school rather than risk causing further upset at home. If school cannot provide this support, pupils can feel very isolated.
- Help a bereaved pupil to create a worry doll or dream catcher which is something useful and practical.
Why?
When someone dies it is normal for pupils to feel that they could have done more, or that they should have behaved differently. It's natural for them to think 'if only' - 'if only I'd been there', 'if only I hadn't gone out', 'if only I hadn't said that', 'if only I'd done this or that'.
They can also feel guilty for having fun or enjoying themselves when they think they should behave in a particular way.
What can school do to help?
It is important to allow pupils to express these feelings rather than try to make them feel better.
- Reassure them that it is very common for bereaved people to feel guilty when someone has died.
- Explain that, even when grieving, it is OK to have fun and be happy at times. This does not diminish their grief or change how they felt about the person who has died. Show Tonkin’s model of growing around grief to reassure them that grief is still there and having fun does not mean that they feel any less for the person who has died.
- Reassure them that they were not to blame for the death as young people often feel guilty and are reluctant to share these feelings with anyone.
- Encourage them to treasure memories of their special person and find ways to capture these – making a memory jar or memory book, collecting photographs or creating pieces of artwork.
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Why?
- A bereaved pupil may not understand what has happened or they may have muddled the information given to them.
- They may not be able to make sense of the death or simply not have sufficient understanding of what death is.
- It can feel confusing when everything in their life has changed. They may want to get back to school but then find it hard to concentrate.
- They may not miss the person who died as much as other people in the family seem to, and then suddenly they can find they miss the person intensely. This mix of emotions can be very upsetting.
Changes in the pupil's life can be very confusing, and it can take a long time to adjust to their new normality.
What can school do to help?
Reassure the pupil that these overwhelming emotions are normal and that everyone grieves in their own way.
- Find out what a bereaved pupil has been told and check their understanding of their situation.
- When planning any change or transition, identify any concerns and develop coping strategies.
- Remind them of previous changes in their lives and encourage them to think about what or who helped.
- Encourage them to ask questions and answer them where you can. When they have difficult questions respond with, “That’s a great question, what do you think?” or “What have you been told at home?” and do not be afraid to say, “I’m afraid I don’t have the answer to that,” and possibly, “I can try to find out if you would like?”
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Why?
The shock of a death can be enormous. School can be a place of normality and relative calm compared to home. Many bereaved pupils will try to put on a “mask” for school to try to hide their emotions; they may even refuse to acknowledge the death.
What can school do to help?
Having a supportive school will help pupils begin to process what has happened.
- Explain who is available to help and, where possible, try to give them some choice in who they can talk to.
- Check in with them regularly and talk to them, showing that there are people who care.
- If the death is not mentioned, this can prevent a pupil from addressing their emotions and accepting the death.
- Provide a quiet space with an activity as this will feel less threatening and puts less pressure on a pupil to talk. If possible, allow the pupil to choose their activity (read a book, spend time on the computer, do a craft activity, do something active). Once engaged in the activity, they may start to talk but this should not be an expectation.
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Why?
- Experiencing the death of someone close can leave a pupil feeling very lonely and isolated.
- While some bereaved pupils will deal with this by filling their spare time with friends and keeping busy, others will find the connection with their friends more difficult.
- Bereaved young people do not want to appear ‘different’ from their friends, so they can struggle to engage with normal friendly relationships.
- Even when appearing to be part of a crowd, a bereaved pupil can be isolated.
What can school do to help?
Friends are important to a bereaved pupil but it can be difficult if there is a lack of understanding or empathy among a friendship group. Friends may also experience “support fatigue”.
- Include death, grief and bereavement in the curriculum to give pupils the emotional vocabulary, skills and understanding to help them when someone is grieving.
- Check in with a bereaved pupil and ask about their friendships; encourage them to talk to their friends, offering help with vocabulary if they need it. This might include suggesting phrases such as, “I need some time on my own just now, but can I find you later?” or “I don’t feel like chatting, but I would like to sit with you at lunchtime.”
- A bereaved pupil may not realise how difficult it can be for their friends who may not know what to say and might be afraid of causing upset.
- A pupil’s bereavement will have a ‘ripple’ effect on their peers. Offering help and guidance will empower them to be supportive friends and let them know that adults are there to support them too.
Knowing there are trusted adults in school to talk to and someone or somewhere to go, particularly at break or lunchtime, can reduce the feelings of loneliness for a bereaved pupil.
“Bereaved pupils can feel very lonely and isolated; they might feel that they are the only person who feels this way.”
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Why?
Some pupils will feel numb in response to a death which may seem odd, both to the pupil and those around them. These numb feelings may be part of the shock or it can be their body’s response to overwhelming emotions. The pupil (and others around them) may have expectations of how they should feel or behave, and this empty feeling may make them feel guilty.
What can school do to help?
- Reassure the pupil that many other bereaved people feel like this too.
- It can be easy to overlook these pupils. It is important to offer support as they will need reassurance and regular reminders that adults in school are there for them when they need it.
- As time passes, these pupils may experience different emotions, but it is important that bereaved pupils do not feel under pressure to behave in a particular way.
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Why?
The world is a changed place for a bereaved pupil as they come to terms with their feelings of loss. They are having to adjust to a different world without the person who has died.
Resilience is the ability to adapt to difficult or stressful events and is crucial to the process of dealing with bereavement.
What can school do to help?
- Remind pupils of any previous changes or ‘losses’ to help them to think about how they coped.
- Encourage them to use these strategies to manage the upheaval following a bereavement, and develop their resilience, by drawing on the skills they already have.
- Improving self-esteem is important (Adapted from Grotberg 1997).
- “I am” (someone who can be liked/loved).
- “I have” (someone to depend on/believe in me/support me/people I trust and love).
- “I can” (do things really well/find ways to manage problems I face).
Schools can contribute to building a bereaved pupil's resilience by ensuring that familiar routines and standards are preserved. Let pupils know who they can turn to if they are having a difficult time and need to express their feelings.
“When a pupil experiences the death of someone important to them there is a huge sense of loss and it can feel overwhelming. Through this loss there will be growth…”
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